Hannah's Blog: Week 5: Exhausted

I know the tone of most of my posts has been pretty joyful so far, and as they should be: this has been a really joyful experience so far. I love the work I do and the people at the office. I love that we get to be part of lifting people out of poverty. I love meeting people whose lives have been changed through child sponsorship, microfinance, and agricultural programs. I feel like I can see God working daily. And that's beautiful. I also love the town I live in. It is small enough that I often run into people I know on the streets, but big enough that most people are used to foreigners being around, and brewed coffee and western food is available for when I really need it. I love that I can see Mount Kenya from just outside my house. I love waking up on Sunday morning and hearing singing from the nearest church. I love the warm climate and the fresh mangoes. I love the adventures I have daily in my life and work.

That was a long introduction to say what I really want to say, which is: sometimes I don't love it. Obviously my social media posts and so on are generally positive in tone. But for every amazing experience I have, I have a hundred mundane or embarrassing or lonely or disappointing or difficult or uncomfortable or scary or overwhelming experiences. Living in new cultural context, away from one's support system and frames of reference, is not easy. It seems obvious to say that, but sometimes I need to remind myself of that. It is not supposed to be easy.

It is supposed to be like this. It is supposed to be incredibly difficult and yet incredibly rewarding. There are supposed to be tears, but not without a lot of laughter. It is OK to miss home. It is OK to not understand a lot of things. It's OK to feel lost. It is supposed to be exhausting.

And this week has been exhausting. On Sunday I was exhausted from the long church service with dubious theology. On Monday I was exhausted from getting caught up in a presidential rally, birthday celebrations, and necessarily late-night Skype sessions. On Tuesday, I was not so exhausted, but I did do a lot of walking, so physically I was tired. On Wednesday, I was especially exhausted from waking up at 2:30am to catch a matatu to Nairobi, navigating the city, getting vaccinated, meeting people, experiencing the legendary traffic jams, and finally making it back home at 11:30pm. On Thursday I was exhausted from Wednesday, and I also became exhausted after hearing the life stories of a few people here.

Since I was already exhausted, it was pretty emotionally taxing to hear those stories about orphaned children with nowhere to go, sick children with no money for treatment, or children who had been sexually assaulted. And I don't mean to complain. My emotional stress from hearing this is nowhere close to the trauma that these children are experiencing. But there is a feeling or powerlessness and helplessness that comes when hearing these stories. I try to think of solutions to problems, but solutions don't come so easily. And I know I am not big enough to solve all of them. I am exhausted knowing that I cannot solve the injustice of this world. All I can do is pray. For though I am powerless, God has power. I need to trust that. I need to trust that he will intervene to somehow make these people's lives better. I believe God is a compassionate God, and he is not causing suffering. I believe he will stop suffering.

Even though life here is exhausting, I would not give it up for anything. Of course there are days when I wish I could just watch Netflix or drive my car or go to church without worrying about blowing out my eardrums. But I think of those lines of Brave New World and they are how I feel: "But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness, I want sin." I would rather be exhausted from encountering injustice in the world than be insulated from that injustice. I would rather face the challenges of cross-cultural communication than only have relationships with those from my same culture. It's worth it. It's worth it because I can continue to learn how to see the world for what it really is. It's worth it because I am with the people who Jesus loves. It's worth it because through this, Jesus is showing me how much he loves me.